As a follow-up from last week’s post, let me urge you to use this spring as an opportunity to get next to your children.

• To come to grips with the barriers that are blocking the flow of your love and affection (and theirs).
• To face the facts before the bruise leads to a permanent, domestic fracture.

We’re not Immune

Three biblical cases come to my mind:

1. Rebekah—who favored Jacob over Esau . . . and used him to deceive his father, Isaac, which led to a severe family breakdown (Genesis 27).
2. Eli—who was judged by God because of his lack of discipline and failure to stand firm when his boys began to run wild (1 Samuel 3:11–14).  Eli especially stands out for us as pastors, because he was in the ministry!
3. David—who committed the same sin against his son, Adonijah, by never restraining him or crossing him throughout his early training (1 Kings 1:5–6).

You see, no one is immune . . . not even Bible characters . . . not even pastors!

So then, let’s move ahead. Let’s refuse to pamper our parental negligence any longer.

Okay, let’s be honest. How’s it going with you and the kids? Maybe that question doesn’t even apply to you. You may have already raised your brood and had them leave the nest. But I have a hunch that many of you pastors are still in the process of training and rearing.

So—how’s it going?

Do you feel the tightening squeeze this time of year brings?

On top of an already demanding schedule of preaching, teaching, counseling, and calling, you have had to add Christmas parties and programs, a creative Christmas series that you’ve never preached before—and still another eloquent sermon is coming up for the Christmas Eve service.

Such a schedule has a tendency to turn us into Scrooge-like characters, doesn’t it? (We secretly think: Humbug!) Work, work, work . . . nothing and no one will get in our way.

May I assume the role of one of old Scrooge’s ghosts for you? Let me escort you to your home. Peer into the window. Look closely. Is your chair empty at the dinner table?

Okay, that was a cheap shot.

We in ministry don’t like to talk about it, but too many of us sanctify workaholism. And the holidays can be the busiest time! We can allow ourselves to be so involved in “the Lord’s work” that our family is neglected. And I do mean “we.”

This may sound like heresy, but we have to learn to adopt the attitude: “I’m more committed to my home than I am to my ministry.” Try saying that out loud. I doubt any pastor’s final words will be—and I know mine won’t be—”I should have put more time into studying supralapsarianism for that sermon on election.” No way! But I will regret not spending more time loving and laughing with my wife, children, and grandchildren.

Are you feeling adequately guilty yet? Me too. So let me suggest some positive things for us to consider. Here are six rewards that represent huge dividends for yourself, your family, and even your ministry if you make your home your priority. You will enjoy:

• the sustained cultivation of a great character
• the continued relief a clear conscience brings
• the increasing personal delight of knowing God intimately
• the rare privilege of becoming a mentor
• the priceless treasure of leaving an unforgettable legacy
• the crowning reward of finishing strong

It took three ghosts and a sleepless night to convince old Ebenezer Scrooge that work without regard for others amounts to foolishness—and a wasted life.

I have a pastor-friend whose wife often tells him, “I don’t want your presents as much as your presence.” Let’s give ourselves to our families this week, okay?

—Chuck

At a recent pastors conference hosted by Insight for Living, one pastor’s wife asked me an insightful question. I’ll share her question with you, as well as my thoughts on it, so that you might pass it along to your wife, if appropriate. This woman asked, “What is the greatest contribution a wife can make to a man in ministry?”

Wonderful question. Let me respond directly . . . to your wife.

Be Secure in Who You Are

One of the greatest contributions you can make to your husband is that you be very secure in who you are. Pastors’ wives often feel they need to be something everyone else wants them to be. Some of that responsibility falls on us, as pastors, and I understand that. But it’s so important that you know who you are . . . and then be who you are.

Be a Person of Objective Support

From that place of security, it’s important that you be for your husband a person of objective support.

Notice how I said that. Objective support. You’re neither a shadow nor a doormat. Furthermore, you’re not there to agree with everything. Some of the things you don’t agree with will be very helpful to him. But how you go about expressing your disagreement is very important.

Remember, the goal is objective support. Both terms are essential.

Cynthia has learned how and when to question something I said in a sermon. But she has cultivated the ability to do it in a way that I feel supported by her. Younger wives tend to talk about it on the way home from church . . . not a good time! We pastors feel pretty fragile, even defensive, on Sunday afternoons. So it’s important that you learn how to say what you have to say.

Remember the wives of leaders in the Bible? They had great influence . . . for good or evil. If you can remind your husband that you support him (even when you may disagree with him), he can face any challenge the ministry hurls his way. But if he doesn’t have your support—if he doubts that you believe in him—he may eventually quit the ministry in a pit of depression.

I’ve seen it happen.

Be a Trusted Confidant

Finally, it’s important to keep his confidences. There are some issues I deal with that Cynthia does not know about—but they are very few. If I say to an individual, “No one will ever know this,” then I really mean no one will ever know it. But I’m careful when I say that. I usually add the caveat: “I may tell my wife about this, but she’ll make a burial of the information in her mind.”

It is helpful for me to confide in my wife. Your husband needs that too. Assure him of your confidentiality.

Be very secure in who you are. Be a person of objective support. And be a trusted confidant.

He has so very few.

I don’t want to intensify your guilt—not at all. But let me go ahead and say that it’s probably true that some of you are neglecting the home, and the ministry has become your mistress. Believe me; I understand how that can happen. I confess that there were periods in my own life when that occurred, which I have shared with you before.

Having been there, I’m telling you: it isn’t worth it.

My word to you is to learn the difference between being engaged in ministry and being controlled by it.

May I Say the Obvious?

You still have a family!

• They still long to have lunch with you.
• They still love to get a phone call.
• They want to know wisdom from you outside the pulpit.
• They still yearn to have an arm around their shoulders.
• They still want you to make time to sit on the back porch and kick back and listen.
• They want you to attend their ball games and go to their performance and see you relax . . . really relax!
• They still want to know that you can do more in your spare time than study.
• And they really want to hear you laugh!

They are the ones you will leave in your legacy—the only ones who have your blood and your name. They need you. They want you.

After all, they’re the ones who could write the unauthorized biography. Oh, what a thought! I won’t go there.

Words Worth Pondering

Let me end this entry by quoting from a book you should get if you don’t have it. Ken Gire, in his little volume A Father’s Gift: The Legacy of Memories, closes with these reflective words.

What pictures will my son remember
when he comes to the plain granite marker
over his father’s grave?
What will my daughters remember?
Or my wife? . . .

. . . I’ve resolved to give fewer lectures,
to send fewer platitudes rolling their way,
to give less criticism,
to offer fewer opinions. . . .

. . . From now on, I will give them pictures they can live by,
pictures that can comfort them,
encourage them,
and keep them warm
in my absence.

Because when I’m gone, there will only be silence.
And memories. . . .

. . . Of all
I could give
to make their lives a little fuller,
a little richer,
a little more prepared
for the journey ahead of them,
nothing compares to the gift of remembrance—
pictures that show they are special
and that they are loved.

Pictures that will be there
when I am not.

Pictures that have within them
a redemption all their own.[ref]Ken Gire, A Father’s Gift: The Legacy of Memories (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992), 51, 53, 57.[/ref]

I’ve been in ministry more than five decades. During that time I have discovered what might sound basic and obvious—but believe me, it took years to learn. In fact, I’m still growing into the reality of what it means. I have learned that relationships come just below one’s walk with God.

Even Jesus illustrated this principle by the relationships in His life, didn’t He?

• The Lord ministered to the multitudes.
• Within that crowd He had His followers.
• That group narrowed further to the Twelve, then to the three (Peter, James, and John).
• Finally, Jesus had John, the beloved disciple.

I have found that a minister of the gospel has at least four key areas of relationships.

4 Key Relationships for the Pastor

Picture these people as concentric circles around you—somewhat like those whom Jesus had around Him. Let’s start with those closest to you and work our way out.

1. Your immediate circle is your family. Obviously, if you are married, I’m referring to your relationship with your wife. But prior to marriage, and now in tandem with it, you may have a continuing relationship with your parents. And then you and your wife have a relationship with your children, your grandchildren, your in-laws, and even further relationships within the family.
2. The next circle out would be those who serve with you on a pastoral staff. You may serve in a church with a multiple-staff, or perhaps you are the only staff person. Maybe you employ someone on a part-time basis, or you may have volunteers. All of us have those like these who serve faithfully and consistently. Those relationships are unique.
3. The third circle would be fellow leaders in the church. Perhaps they are elders and deacons, or you may have other titles in your denomination. These would be those leaders who serve alongside us.
4. Finally, the fourth and largest circle represents those in our local congregation. And I’ve divided those into five categories: the attendees, the friends, the attractive, the troubled, and finally—the most difficult of all—the troublemakers.

A pastor’s relationships are essential.

Looking Ahead

I want to take my time in addressing these with you over the weeks ahead. We’re in no hurry. Relationships take time to develop . . . and talking about them does as well. These are the lives that touch us, shape us, minister to us, mean the world to us, or drive us nuts if they could.

Relationships come just below one’s walk with God. So easy to say . . . but so challenging to live.